FOOL THAT I AM

when your dreamboat
turns out to be a footnote
i'm a man with a mission
in two- or three editions
& i'm giving you a longing look...

elvis costello, "everyday i write the book"

i'm having a good time just doing nothing today. work has been an overkill due to all the filing i've had to do, but you work or you starve. i'm about to transition on to something better, as my job ends next wednesday, & i am not worried in the least. i've had to turn down two jobs teaching due to their not being close enough for me to get to. yes, i want to help the kids learn, but i can't spend my whole paycheck every month on metra and cta passes, so i have to pass. i do miss being in the classroom, though. in january, i begin teaching high school humanities at a charter school here, so that should be fine.

my sister & i have been discussing how we can start traveling with the kids, & that has me excited! we plan on going to birmingham & pine bluff before christmas, so that should be fun for all of us. me & my favorite ladies...we watched team america on thursday & laughed so much we all had sideaches. the music is the kicker, as whoever is singing any/all of those songs is a pure, unadulterated fool! before it was over, we were all singing, "america, FUCK YEAH!" not for patriotic reasons, but merely for comedy.

one of my best friends & i had the state-of-relationships talk a few days ago, & it was refreshing for me to discuss how life moves on & we move with it. he asked the question that i have unintentionally been trying to avoid which was, "are you alright?" now, i know that i can be alright, & for the most part, i have been alright, but something changed that minute & i let it ride out again. not in the "i hate his muh-fuckin' ass" type of way but more so in the "yeah, i've thought about it, & still my next steps have been" kinda way. i'd be a fool to say that the past doesn't flash across my mind every now & then, however, i have learned that how i react to it is key in me remaining alright. at present, we have seen one another four times & not so much as spoken a hello, which is okay with me. sure, you always wish it didn't have to be that way, but isn't it best to keep it moving when there isn't any reason to stop?

...my ph.d. plans just seem to get better each moment. i'm seriously hoping that new school university accepts my application. if they don't, i have the university of illinois at chicago, northwestern university in evanston, the university of maryland/college park & clark-atlanta. the last choice stumps my old professors, but they have to respect my choices. they see me as following their previously laid paths to schools that don't interest me, but this is my journey, so i have to go in the direction of my own heart. leaving here isn't as dire as it used to be for me, but it is something that i will be doing soon. in making that decision, the guy that twists my hair is like, "what are you running from?" to which i wonder has he fell on his head more times that i'd remembered.

i'm not running from anything, i just know that if i stay here for school when i don't have to then that'll be one more exception i've given the "okay" & so far, that has not been my m.o. so why revert? i stayed here after undergrad, passing up grad school in philadelphia for a whole lot of reasons, but mainly motivated by fear: fear of learning a new place, being accepted, being away from my family, etc. that was then; i'm no longer the scared 20-something i was then. i have braved more dangerous grounds just traveling across town on public transportation, so the navigator in me is ready for whatever change of scenery comes my way. by march of 2006, i'll know where i'm going & whether it's new york or evanston, i'll find my way.

in the meantime, md, somady & i have been talking over movie ideas, as somady is our resident filmmaker since our group of two filmmakers (pistachio joe is in nyc working on his m.a. degree) has lessened. it was fun talking about it. now i just want to do the damn thing because after watching the series finale of "6 feet under", i definitely fell for the "get your life together now cuz we all gon' die" message, therefore, i am going to continue to plan & work & live & write & laugh & cry & smell the damn grease cooking from miles away as i keep it moving today & tomorrows if the creator sees it as such.

this film idea is an outgrowth of work we all contributed to somady's filmmaking history. i got to be in it, & though there was no spoken script, i had a blast just being able to follow the directions only to see the history of what we'd all done together on celluloid. the bug has bit me, definitely, but i don't think i'll be doing community theater anytime soon (though it might be fun). this will be a welcome project as my summer comes to an end & it's going to provide me with the opportunity to stay motivated.

i realized today that this summer has been nonstop, busy, & fun...i asked for all of this & have no complaints. while i'm off work after next week, i plan to finally paint my apartment & purchase some items for my office/2nd bedroom. i also have a lot of writing i need to get caught up on & a host of people i'm going to spend some time with--mainly my grandma. she's always been my biggest supporter & talking to her is what gets me through the manic moments of life as of recently...like my mom & i not speaking again because i "can't seem to shut up". true, but i learned it from somewhere (her), & now that i have finally confronted those silencing moments head on (which i'll go into in a future blog...maybe), i will not be quiet anymore when my constitution (my own personal one) is threatened or made light of or ignored...

but i can talk about everything with my grandma: 83, drives a black cadillac seville, power walks every morning (and has been for over twenty years) & will crack you up laughing about the old times in pine bluff, arkansas & chicago's "black belt/bronzeville" early years. we have "power talks" where we go on of hours about black history/present/future which last for hours, literally, & she never gets tired of listening or talking to me. see, i'm the "inquisitively, curious" one who always wants to know, so i ask (prior to "just asking", i did have a history of checking pockets & voicemail messages...but i have changed...if i even think i have to do that with anyone i meet, i stop the association immediately)

...my employment prospects are looking good though, so that's part of the reason i am not worried. the other part is that i'm having a good time today & know that this only one of many i'll have in my lifetime. mortality--we all have to go at some point, but while i'm here, i'm going to have the life that makes me happy knowing where i've come from, where i've been, & where i'm going...

right now, i'm going to have a drink...maybe two...

cheers!

H.
8-27-2005

14 years after
18 years prior
32 years later

there are gatherings held
attended by most of them
some since grammar school

some names remembered
others by facial features
sincere smiles & handshakes

they remember details
differently as simple as
hours in short or long days

14 years afterward
18 years prior
32 years later

grows years older
& still we plan to meet
just because we remember
&
all on the mailing list

it's good to see all of them
remembering yearbooks
walkouts & food fights
& happy because there was
one more black face in that class
one less reminder the 2nd floor
hallway at the northern end was
always patroled

the place
where all the black kids could
breathe before becoming lost
in a sea of foreign tongues &
hostile stares in 50-minute intervals,
but in those four minutes between
classes, i would run to that corner
of the world, & the neighborhood
& home greeted you somehow
so i mostly thought

30 black faces in a sea of 608
kids from across the continent
in october 1987
came together through
lotteries, early applications
& feeder schools to learn something
as freshmen
that only 197 of us barely knew
13 black faces seeing one another
for the first time remembering
what the first was before
i go to the reunions
sit with the ghosts
& premonitions
for a spell still
after high school, house music & tretorn gym shoes
after grammar school, box haircuts & trenchcoats
32 years later

looks like 15 years ago

just more computers...

H.
8-24-2005

for jerrold, darnell, james, frank, robert lee,
terrance, anthony, steve, lamont, charles,
vernon, tyrone, mikey, hermie & everyone
else from the henry horner homes

situations of change, remembrances
of schemes & things
when we were once young
we cared only for what was
fed to us
taking by silver spoonfuls
life lessons only adhered to
when our spirits were crying out
"i-told-you-so's"

around
traces of lace borders
over metal caskets
& boys in blue
with white hoods

tragedy at red stop signs
& college degrees
only semesters away
fly on the breezes like confetti
as the coroner whizzes through

i am an adult in a time of
war on minds with an inner child
still growing amidst gunfire
& black & white waitlists;
a place where
spines are broken with empty promises
& deferred dreams mailed off in bulk
still go unanswered

times contain colors
hues & symetric patterns
where pretense & pride
hold backroom sessions
& the masses
trash all that is different
--until it becomes new again

times when we shot for marbles
& now shots take lives
eternal immunizations still kill...

happy times of playin'
hide-go-seek
kickin' on doors in the projects
running/holding our sides
cracking up laughing/carefree
but now the hustlers
are cracked up & on crack bad
running low on energy
from powering up on government subsidies
of scattered sites housing
& five dollar hits & now she's gone...

the times of sunshine
golds during summer holidays
& billfolds of foodstamps
are now y2k dreams
of barcoded gallons of drinking water
& the question asked
around the place
is why my eyes still choose to dream
in color

& the answer comes easy...

times contain colors
situations of change, remembrances
of when i was young
& i knew you

we wondered if we'd live
to see the day

do you see what i see?

H.
8-19-2005

my grandmother is a taurus & my grandfather was a scorpio (rest his soul). he died in 1977, a few days after i celebrated my fourth birthday. i can remember kissing his bearded cheek as a child. my sister & i used to slide down the stairs (i can show you better than i can tell you) & he would yell for us to stop it. we didn't care that those stairs used to kill our backsides, but it was fun all the same as we rushed to see who would get to the bottom first only to run back up & start the whole process over again.

i bring that up to talk about my taurus moment i had today. not many taurus' will admit they are stubborn, & neither am i admitting it to confirm that bit of information, but i will say that we have more problems not being able to give of ourselves in most situations than we receive. we can't help trying to be the nurturing soul all the time. however, there are a few of us who are crazier than cat-piss...

take those close to gemini...need i say more?

or those with that aries riding out on their horns...they scare the hell out of me!

in reality, it doesn't matter what sign you are (the supremes talked about this in the hit "no matter what sign you are"), as long as you know how to treat people like you want to be treated, then you should do alright. a brother told me, however, that no one really wants a nice guy to which i was like, "what?"

could this be true? does everyone aspire to call an abusive, nonfeeling, negative thinking man theirs? i have heard brothers wish aloud for the man who broke the mold (probably over their heads), but what mold are we talking about & why is it so important that he broke it in the first place?

i don't like mean folks in particular, but i have learned that a taurus can make an exception in a minute--something i'm religiously NOT doing anymore! i used to fall in love with "potential" until i really looked at the definition which, in essence, meant "ain't doing nothing yet!"

potential was:

• hot but broke
• articulate but condescending
• loving but abusive
• right-handed & could draw but a thief
• left-handed & could sing but illiterate
• choosey & particular but homeless & barely liked by his own friends & family

lawd, i used to like me some potential...& he was every sign in the zodiac...

my sister & i talk for hours about how there are no new people under the sun. our theory is that even newborn babies are someone else, which is why little so-&-so is such much like whatshisname. after hearing the comparisons all their lives, some grow up & meet their unofficial twin & say the same thing like, "damn, we do look alike" or "i sure do act like them!"

but no two people are alike & although what one's disposition might suggest, he/she is still only who they are, & the similarities to others should cease at some point, unless there's no mistaking who you're talking to. the trick is to know that if it's too much like something you don't want to be in, then you run, right? maybe not run, but walk away without looking back, lest you, too, become a pillar of salt whether you're male or female. i'd like to believe that no matter what space/place someone falls under in the "astrological wheel of identities" good people are good people.

i often hear, "you're a pretty cool taurus" from people on occasion, but what does that mean to a leo? i've also heard on occasion that, "i get along with all taurus' pretty well...that's why i knew i'd like you" but what does that mean to the countless other taurus folks that they or i have yet to meet? & did they know i was a taurus before they met me? & more importantly, what does that have to do with the cost of butter?

so, the moment came today when i had to realize that we all turn on the wheel...meaning? no matter what sign you are, u can only be who you are & the most you can ever do is the best you can...

nuff said...

H.
8-19-2005

when i walk to the train station around the corner from my house, i usually speak to the neighborhood regulars--the retired men who wake up early to go get their coffee & daily news fix; the prostitutes just starting their day; the young brothers & sisters who gave up on school a long ago but they go back & forth around the block, stopping in 40- to 50-minute increments like they're going to class. these are just a few of the people in my neighborhood.

riding the train, however, is something altogether different, as those of us who share the same train car come from several other neighborhoods, sometimes carrying all of our neighborhood prejudices with us. i live in bronzeville, or as the map says "douglas". i do not live in the pseudo-pretentious-at-times hyde park nor do i live in the hidden gem of kenwood/oakenwald with it's mansions & well-manicured lawns amongst new construction & million dollar rehabs on former grounds occupied by squatters. i call bronzeville home, an area so close to changing but not soon enough to dispel the reputation of being home to one of the largest housing projects in the nation--the robert taylor homes, which, to date, has only two buildings remaining. don't get me wrong, it's not a bad place at all to live/want to live, however, the changing of the guard is slow moving.

there is no grocery store close by other than jewel food store which you damn near have to curse out the cashiers each rip cuz they want to eat skins with hot sauce while ringing up your groceries. & it's actually not that convenient to get to unless you have a car (cuz although the famed ida b. wells housing project is coming down in shifts, there are still enough folks who'd want to rob you that you don't want to walk past there to get to the store).

there are two sit-down restaurants not too far from one another that you can eat at, however, you might want to bring a book to read at one (which shall remain nameless), because they take a millenium to bring you your food--sometimes, it's someone else's food they bring you. the other one...well, let's just say that i'd rather go get takeout from the bulletproof counter joints which are all over the place. as distant as many of us would like to believe we are, during the work week, we all catch the same trains/buses & though we don't always speak, the truth is that this public transit gets us all to work in the morning, regardless if it's mandatory or optional.

but this entry is about train rides, more importantly the one i took this morning. unbeknownst to me, the car i chose to enter had just been privy to an attempted robbery by a group of youth walking through all the cars in search of something to take that had to be: easily pawn-able, easy to snatch without interference & tacky (a prerequisite, obviously). no sooner had i sat down near three of the several passengers in that particular car did i realize not only were they loud in their disbelief of what had just happened, but the whole train was in an uproar. so what do i do? i asked the person sitting nearest to me only to find out i had just missed the display by one train stop, but i couldn't tell that things had calmed down, as vigilante justice became more real the more i listened to the voices get louder & louder by the minute.

folks were cussing & saying things like, "i wish that was me, i'd beat the fuck out of them lil' young punks" & "it don't make no sense that you can't even wear the nice things you work for without someone trying to take shit from you" as well as "that's why i'm gon' get me a gun & put a cap in any mu'fucka who try to take anything from me!"

although i feel where everyone is coming from, i can't help but look beneath the surface at a few things. true, stealing is stealing, but it is partly the blame of society for the emphasis it continues to place on the importance of having all these material possessions that could further entice the with-out/have-not young man or woman to feel that stealing is what he/she has to do to be, visibly, worth something. that, by no means is an excuse, but it is what it is. & not all thieves/wanna-be thieves come from families of robbers/burglars, i'm sure. the part that wasn't so surprising, however, is that only one woman intervened when the shit went down.

she was older, had a cane & had a mouth that would make a sailor seem more like an altar-boy. it was her quick actions that caused the young men to run to the other car, according to the woman sitting across the aisle from me. but the way everyone was in an uproar, you'd have thought they had all decided to block all the exits on the car & push the emergency button on the train for the conductor so the police could be called. unfortunately, it took someone's mother to put a stop to the would be attempt in which a chain was still snatched, but only one of about five the victim had on. i don't know if it was a male or a female, but there were enough folks on that train who looked like they slapbox buildings for fun.

public transportation is how i get around & there is always something to see/hear on the train. the green line train is interesting itself whether you're headed through the loop to the west side or headed either to englewood or woodlawn which are southwest & southeast respectively, but for the most part, my commute isn't bad. but this whole robbery on the train is making me nervous, moreso because if it was me, would i have just been left to get robbed by a group of young bandits while everyone just sits in their own worlds reading their magazines or talking loud as hell on their cellphones? i am notorious for carrying several interesting items in my bag--box cutter, vice grips, bag of black pepper, alcohol & a box of matches, but that's just for art's sake (that's my story & i plan on sticking to it), but there is no art in victimizing folks over jewelry or cellphones or gym shoes...

i do wish that i could've seen the lady beat the would-be thief with her cane. that had to be a sight to see.

i'm getting a car soon...& when i do, these urban rides will be no more, as i will become the road raged driver who flips lazy pedestrians the bird when they take all year to cross or cuts off soccer mom's to get into those parking spaces that take hours to find. i can smell it now...the freedom!

H.
8-11-2005

is it alright if i cry
without no positive speeches
i don't need no lessons on god
he knows i'm human & i got weakness
don't tell me it's alright
my life fell into ten pieces
don't tell me it's fine
just let me have a cry

--kina cosper

i am fine
have held back as long as i could
& can't complain

oh, but i can & should

tears cleanse & now i am sparkling,
refreshed & new & feeling no pain
but, alas, i had a moment...

because i've ran from it
convinced that there is no reason
to dwell on what i cannot change
or wonder why me, why this
or the more famous line of "why now?"

the tears,
they did run down my face
& the smile hid behind a scowl
the contorted, twisted mouth
that wants to let out the scream

that final moan

of recognition
that i too, am fine, have been fine
& will continue to be fine.

but why?

because i said so
& did so: cry

now,
the healing begins
& the thin walls
finally talk back

because in this moment
i am fine, now...

H.
8-9-2005

today i found out a new way to dance
with music blaring & black love running all
through my body while i made spaghetti
fried some fish & some chicken
& stirred up a pitcher of iced tea
dancing around my kitchen & me
not caring about the heat as
the sunday afternoon breezes
still found their way through the halls &
about the rooms

i danced around the kitchen island
1- & 2-stepping to jazz vocals & riffs
singing to no one in particular but me
marveling that the movements come
easy, though i haven't stepped foot in a class
in a long while

working at the sink was my warm-up:
knee bends to reach skillets & pots
arm stretches to grab spices & seasonings
contractions & releases to clean the glasses

everything in place
now the dance begins
the thawing of flesh leaves traces
& the chosen condiments
& selected mode of preparation

has provided directions to move

to
lift reach lift stretch reach lift
to
dip fall roll step step lift roll
then shake
shake
let go
push
open
close
increase heat & volume

while washing the skillets & pots already used
wiping oil from the stove in circular motions
starting the clockwise winds from the heels
to my crown & i cleaned & moved & let
the music take me away in my house

where today i found a new way to dance
while the music played on while black
love coursed through me, me loving
that it speaks to me in the way i walk the floors
content

my feet go where they please,
find spaces i haven't been before
barefooted & wanting to move
with & against rhythms imagined
or real

today i found a new way to dance:
like no one is watching.

H.
8-7-2005

in a matter of weeks, my best friend will be moving & i am trying to find a way to deal with the soon-to-be distance that can no longer be avoided. it's funny how you get used to folks being in such close proximity & take for granted that it will always be there. i haven't said much about it, but i will definitely miss him.

life has been full of changes everyday. my coworkers & i are all about to go our seperate ways professionally, as our funding has ended, so we all work together to close out our respective roles and responsibilities. i've been offered a job to teach high school humanities which i have accepted & i am very hopeful about this upcoming transition. i do miss being in the classroom with students, as i used to teach 7th & 8th grade social studies & language arts for nearly five years. it will definitely be a welcome change, as managing adults has proved challenging & at times, very stressful. but those days are almost over & i must admit, it has been a wonderful ride.

my house still needs a thorough cleaning, which i plan to begin in less than an hour. floors will be mopped, furniture will be moved & dishes will finally be put away. a trick i've learned to getting through with the most taxing of clean-up tasks is to pretend that someone important is coming over, just don't have conversations out loud with yourself as you clean. it get's confusing & a little scary...

i have a 12-month plan in place that will more than likely lead me to either atlanta, maryland or new york to pursue my doctorate. the decision itself has been hard to make, as i am used to being near my family, but my time here is not well spent, as i have made too many exceptions along the way. i can't do it anymore, as it has finally dawned on me that i have not acted completely in my own best interest, so now, it is time to plan my graceful exit as only my long legs & arms can.

everyone's been supportive thus far, but even if they weren't, i realize that i cannot live for them nor can they live for me...

which brings me to the situation that has been bugging me for awhile now: how do you do all that you can when you've already given too much of yourself to causes not completely your own?

i've tried to be a good son to my parents--which works out on occasion, until i piss someone off because of something i've said.

i've tried to be a good father to my kids, though dna & apathy have removed me from the technical relationship itself.

i've tried to be a good brother to my siblings, but we can't all seem to get along at the same time.

i've tried to be the good partner/lover/boyfriend, but experience has shown me that you can give all of you & it still not be enough for those without true knowledge of what partnership means.

i've tried to be a good friend to my friends, but our differences of opinion & mindsets seem to build more walls than collaborations.

i've tried all these & more, & now i have tired of trying to make sense of a world gone crazy, though some may urge me to stay on in & continue giving it the "old college try". well, undergrad has been over for me nine years ago, so once again, i have to reenact my methods of dispelling people, places & things that don't enhance me, nor offer me the outlet or opportuniy to contribute to even the most mintue of causes/conversations.

i'm finally happy & am in control of my life, but in order to continue in that space, i can't be all things to everyone, & as of now, i cease operating as such.

it's like people want you to be mad, angry, hurt, negative, moody & a whole host of other ways of being because that's the dominant theme of their lives. not mine!

i can finally say i'm proud of myself and why, so why should i allow for one moment someting or someone else's "disposition" intrude on my newfound appreciation for my resilient, self-preservation?

whatever, my biggest dilemma right now is figuring out what to have for dinner...and that's fine with me.

so grilled soy cheese sandwiches it shall be!

H.
8-4-2005