FOOL THAT I AM

in a matter of weeks, my best friend will be moving & i am trying to find a way to deal with the soon-to-be distance that can no longer be avoided. it's funny how you get used to folks being in such close proximity & take for granted that it will always be there. i haven't said much about it, but i will definitely miss him.

life has been full of changes everyday. my coworkers & i are all about to go our seperate ways professionally, as our funding has ended, so we all work together to close out our respective roles and responsibilities. i've been offered a job to teach high school humanities which i have accepted & i am very hopeful about this upcoming transition. i do miss being in the classroom with students, as i used to teach 7th & 8th grade social studies & language arts for nearly five years. it will definitely be a welcome change, as managing adults has proved challenging & at times, very stressful. but those days are almost over & i must admit, it has been a wonderful ride.

my house still needs a thorough cleaning, which i plan to begin in less than an hour. floors will be mopped, furniture will be moved & dishes will finally be put away. a trick i've learned to getting through with the most taxing of clean-up tasks is to pretend that someone important is coming over, just don't have conversations out loud with yourself as you clean. it get's confusing & a little scary...

i have a 12-month plan in place that will more than likely lead me to either atlanta, maryland or new york to pursue my doctorate. the decision itself has been hard to make, as i am used to being near my family, but my time here is not well spent, as i have made too many exceptions along the way. i can't do it anymore, as it has finally dawned on me that i have not acted completely in my own best interest, so now, it is time to plan my graceful exit as only my long legs & arms can.

everyone's been supportive thus far, but even if they weren't, i realize that i cannot live for them nor can they live for me...

which brings me to the situation that has been bugging me for awhile now: how do you do all that you can when you've already given too much of yourself to causes not completely your own?

i've tried to be a good son to my parents--which works out on occasion, until i piss someone off because of something i've said.

i've tried to be a good father to my kids, though dna & apathy have removed me from the technical relationship itself.

i've tried to be a good brother to my siblings, but we can't all seem to get along at the same time.

i've tried to be the good partner/lover/boyfriend, but experience has shown me that you can give all of you & it still not be enough for those without true knowledge of what partnership means.

i've tried to be a good friend to my friends, but our differences of opinion & mindsets seem to build more walls than collaborations.

i've tried all these & more, & now i have tired of trying to make sense of a world gone crazy, though some may urge me to stay on in & continue giving it the "old college try". well, undergrad has been over for me nine years ago, so once again, i have to reenact my methods of dispelling people, places & things that don't enhance me, nor offer me the outlet or opportuniy to contribute to even the most mintue of causes/conversations.

i'm finally happy & am in control of my life, but in order to continue in that space, i can't be all things to everyone, & as of now, i cease operating as such.

it's like people want you to be mad, angry, hurt, negative, moody & a whole host of other ways of being because that's the dominant theme of their lives. not mine!

i can finally say i'm proud of myself and why, so why should i allow for one moment someting or someone else's "disposition" intrude on my newfound appreciation for my resilient, self-preservation?

whatever, my biggest dilemma right now is figuring out what to have for dinner...and that's fine with me.

so grilled soy cheese sandwiches it shall be!

H.
8-4-2005