FOOL THAT I AM

when your dreamboat
turns out to be a footnote
i'm a man with a mission
in two- or three editions
& i'm giving you a longing look...

elvis costello, "everyday i write the book"

i'm having a good time just doing nothing today. work has been an overkill due to all the filing i've had to do, but you work or you starve. i'm about to transition on to something better, as my job ends next wednesday, & i am not worried in the least. i've had to turn down two jobs teaching due to their not being close enough for me to get to. yes, i want to help the kids learn, but i can't spend my whole paycheck every month on metra and cta passes, so i have to pass. i do miss being in the classroom, though. in january, i begin teaching high school humanities at a charter school here, so that should be fine.

my sister & i have been discussing how we can start traveling with the kids, & that has me excited! we plan on going to birmingham & pine bluff before christmas, so that should be fun for all of us. me & my favorite ladies...we watched team america on thursday & laughed so much we all had sideaches. the music is the kicker, as whoever is singing any/all of those songs is a pure, unadulterated fool! before it was over, we were all singing, "america, FUCK YEAH!" not for patriotic reasons, but merely for comedy.

one of my best friends & i had the state-of-relationships talk a few days ago, & it was refreshing for me to discuss how life moves on & we move with it. he asked the question that i have unintentionally been trying to avoid which was, "are you alright?" now, i know that i can be alright, & for the most part, i have been alright, but something changed that minute & i let it ride out again. not in the "i hate his muh-fuckin' ass" type of way but more so in the "yeah, i've thought about it, & still my next steps have been" kinda way. i'd be a fool to say that the past doesn't flash across my mind every now & then, however, i have learned that how i react to it is key in me remaining alright. at present, we have seen one another four times & not so much as spoken a hello, which is okay with me. sure, you always wish it didn't have to be that way, but isn't it best to keep it moving when there isn't any reason to stop?

...my ph.d. plans just seem to get better each moment. i'm seriously hoping that new school university accepts my application. if they don't, i have the university of illinois at chicago, northwestern university in evanston, the university of maryland/college park & clark-atlanta. the last choice stumps my old professors, but they have to respect my choices. they see me as following their previously laid paths to schools that don't interest me, but this is my journey, so i have to go in the direction of my own heart. leaving here isn't as dire as it used to be for me, but it is something that i will be doing soon. in making that decision, the guy that twists my hair is like, "what are you running from?" to which i wonder has he fell on his head more times that i'd remembered.

i'm not running from anything, i just know that if i stay here for school when i don't have to then that'll be one more exception i've given the "okay" & so far, that has not been my m.o. so why revert? i stayed here after undergrad, passing up grad school in philadelphia for a whole lot of reasons, but mainly motivated by fear: fear of learning a new place, being accepted, being away from my family, etc. that was then; i'm no longer the scared 20-something i was then. i have braved more dangerous grounds just traveling across town on public transportation, so the navigator in me is ready for whatever change of scenery comes my way. by march of 2006, i'll know where i'm going & whether it's new york or evanston, i'll find my way.

in the meantime, md, somady & i have been talking over movie ideas, as somady is our resident filmmaker since our group of two filmmakers (pistachio joe is in nyc working on his m.a. degree) has lessened. it was fun talking about it. now i just want to do the damn thing because after watching the series finale of "6 feet under", i definitely fell for the "get your life together now cuz we all gon' die" message, therefore, i am going to continue to plan & work & live & write & laugh & cry & smell the damn grease cooking from miles away as i keep it moving today & tomorrows if the creator sees it as such.

this film idea is an outgrowth of work we all contributed to somady's filmmaking history. i got to be in it, & though there was no spoken script, i had a blast just being able to follow the directions only to see the history of what we'd all done together on celluloid. the bug has bit me, definitely, but i don't think i'll be doing community theater anytime soon (though it might be fun). this will be a welcome project as my summer comes to an end & it's going to provide me with the opportunity to stay motivated.

i realized today that this summer has been nonstop, busy, & fun...i asked for all of this & have no complaints. while i'm off work after next week, i plan to finally paint my apartment & purchase some items for my office/2nd bedroom. i also have a lot of writing i need to get caught up on & a host of people i'm going to spend some time with--mainly my grandma. she's always been my biggest supporter & talking to her is what gets me through the manic moments of life as of recently...like my mom & i not speaking again because i "can't seem to shut up". true, but i learned it from somewhere (her), & now that i have finally confronted those silencing moments head on (which i'll go into in a future blog...maybe), i will not be quiet anymore when my constitution (my own personal one) is threatened or made light of or ignored...

but i can talk about everything with my grandma: 83, drives a black cadillac seville, power walks every morning (and has been for over twenty years) & will crack you up laughing about the old times in pine bluff, arkansas & chicago's "black belt/bronzeville" early years. we have "power talks" where we go on of hours about black history/present/future which last for hours, literally, & she never gets tired of listening or talking to me. see, i'm the "inquisitively, curious" one who always wants to know, so i ask (prior to "just asking", i did have a history of checking pockets & voicemail messages...but i have changed...if i even think i have to do that with anyone i meet, i stop the association immediately)

...my employment prospects are looking good though, so that's part of the reason i am not worried. the other part is that i'm having a good time today & know that this only one of many i'll have in my lifetime. mortality--we all have to go at some point, but while i'm here, i'm going to have the life that makes me happy knowing where i've come from, where i've been, & where i'm going...

right now, i'm going to have a drink...maybe two...

cheers!

H.
8-27-2005