FOOL THAT I AM

a list compiled by pistachio joe & loose canon*

the heart ain't so smart
(all the time) like when:

• i rented you that car
• i answered that "blocked" call
• i went through your coat pockets (something my mama told me never to do: look)
• i met the boyfriend you had the same time while you were with me
• i had to cover the rent for three months
• i found out your real name
• i had sex with you, and i shouldn't have AND it was bad (that's what i get, right)
• i allowed your dusty, fat ass to wear my good clothes
• i had to use "rid" after your confession
• i heard you constantly mispronounce simple words (like "dog" & "cat")
• i believed that was just your friend
• i remembered why i took your card & never called
• i pretended i was sleep when you called back in 1995 & it still didn't work
• i decided to walk down your block from a different direction
• i gave you a book for xmas & you gave it back to me for my birthday
• i reminded you of my birthday & you forgot it (for 8 years straight)
• i saw you at the club after you claimed, "i'm too sick to do anything!"
• i saw you give that guy your number
• i heard your early morning cell phone conversations (all of them)
• i didn't realize that what a fool believes, he sees

(* note: these statements reflect those only of pistachio joe & loose canon. they are an actual pair of jokers who get together once every ten years to take snipes at those simple, though lost, moments of life when people knew they were on some dumb shit, but it just seemed more fun to do away with common sense. in 2015, they're scheduled to meet at a truck stop determined by readers of a yet-to-be-disclosed magazine from havana, illinois...stay tuned)

I have held my breath
& turned every color I could
just for you to notice the
lessening in rises & falls
of my chest

leaning into solid hugs goodbye
& pecks hello, I called out to
you

between breaths
hoping for your breathing
to regulate with mine

keep time with the lessening
in rises & falls of my chest
where you lay before you
leave each time like the last

this time yesterday, today
& tomorrows when I have
held my breath still hoping

coping

with the things you say & do
done & did; could've & would've
excuse me, is there a space
left unfilled that shoots you
out into the ether

thoughts never actualized
dreams never realized
& between breaths I dream
hoping the lessening becomes more

& the color comes back & the
breaths come back & back
& the rises & falls of my chest
where your head rests
brings back hopeful resonance.

it is a dream deferred
a term referred
a love preferred
where I am not blue

the color of pain...

H., 2-14-2005
11:40pm, West Lafayette, IN

Bah humbug!

My love has become two half gallons of Soy Delicious Ice Cream!

If I can get through today, I'll be alright...

Last night, I decided to try, once again, to locate my oldest brother. I didn't know he existed until I was about eleven or twelve. When asked of my father why he never told me, his response was, "well, um, Junior...I guess I'm in trouble, eh?" He wasn't shocked that I'd asked and he wasn't very forthcoming, either. But what he didn't do was tell me why he never let any of us know that there were other children out there sharing a few genes and the likes with me.

Being the only male child in a family of sisters, I have secretly imagined this brother, real as he is. My brother's uncle used to date my mother's sister (sounds confusing, but it's really not)...he's the reason I found out. One day, he came over to my grandmother's house and couldn't stop looking at me. Even then, if too many eyes were on me, I got a little nervous. I knew Ricky was an old friend of the family, but not much else, and at the time I saw him then, he was almost a stranger to me. After he left, I couldn't help but ask my aunt over and over why he kept looking at me all weird.

Me: Auntie, why'd your friend keep looking at me like that?
Auntie: Well, Hank, you just look really familiar to him. Plus, he hasn't seen you since you were little.

Me: I guess, but I still don't think he should've been staring at me like that. Is he homosexual?
Auntie: Oh, Lord! Hank, that's not why at all.

Me: Well, what is it then?
Auntie: Hank, you look like his nephew, that's all.

Me: Still, why stare so hard?
Auntie: Hank, you look JUST like his nephew...his nephew is your brother...

And just like that, there was another one of us--another one of my father's children I knew nothing of. See, I have other siblings in this city--an older brother whom I talk to from time to time (though I'm still waiting to go out to lunch with him) and two more sisters (one whom I don't know at all and the other I know who pretends my sisters and I don't exist--though she doesn't mean any harm), but at least I knew they existed long ago.

No one ever kept them a secret. But my oldest brother (my father's very first child) the one whom I have never met, I had to find out from my aunt's ex-boyfriend even existed. It was one of the hardest days of my life, too. I immediately called my mother and asked about this unknown sibling. "Call your father and find out. That was his first responsibility he let go a long time ago."

A few years ago, I did a random search and located a young lady with my brother's last name, and as luck would have it, she turned out to be his sister. For a short while, we talked, and according to her, she'd passed on my number to him, but he never called.

For twenty years, I have conjured up this older twin of mine: likes music, artist, comedian, good guy. This seeing, thinking and feeling human being I share features with; share a father who was just as absent in my life as he was in my brother's. Finally, I have found two numbers with his exact name--one was a wrong number, however; but the other one had a voicemail, and on it, I left as much information as I could and I hope he calls someday...

But if he doesn't...then that's it. How can you lose love you've never had, right? Right!

ToniPurple called and left me a singing message of "Hooked On Your Love"--the Sparkle Version...that was my pre-Valentine present to which I say "Tranx!"

All of you make my day
good, better & the best
building on yesterdays
able to pick up after long
todays

& we do kick it!

The singing, side nuances
laughter & high camp comedy
so unscripted & real & each
moment whether in pouring
rain or sun-burned mornings
we warm one another's lives
indefinitely; infinitely.

You--with your jokes (PB, NV, MD)
You--with your trash talk (MB I & II)
You--with your drink in hand (all of you)
You--with yet another one (NV)
You--smoky siren (SH)
You--humble ingenue (SH, PB-lmao)
You--mad but hopeful (MD-lol)
You--enjoying the ride (KD)
You--creating new speed limits (CH)
You--finder of bargains & greens (CH)
You--sharers of hearth & home (JT & CST)
You--remind me of me (PB, MD, SB)
You--let me have it & still love me (TJ)
You--can't be serious (you are?) (EMcD)
You--where the hell are you? (LP & MJ)
You--work hard for the money (all of us)

All of you--are my friends & you all know who you are!

I'm reading to escape the grey of today
I'm writing to keep a place for myself
between lines that don't disappear between
breaths and echoes of words & feelings
(not my own)

I'm remembering my art & why
I'm feeling calm without question
I'm sure to bust at the seams silently
for just a glance of sunshine today
(though not in the forecast)

I remember love & the "it" it became
I remember love & the "what" that remained
I remember those with names & those without
I remember those that were never introduced
(reasons apparent even then)

I know now that I'm stronger than I've ever been
I know now that I can still cry if & when I see fit
I know now that I never was a mistake & that what
I have to give is mine to give & for no one to take
(clearly, though some will disagree)

What I seek, I'll find..

I'm going to be in & of it: life!

There are four of us--my three sisters then me. I'm somewhere between all of them, with two older sisters and one younger. The saying goes beware of those who walk in three's, and to that, I firmly agree. See, because I was the only male child, they spared no expense in making sure I knew that they didn't take shit off of anyone. Except for my younger sister, I tried the bullying thing for awhile, but she beat me at my own game, talking trash and getting me into trouble on a regular basis by letting the tears go once mama got home, knowing good and well there wasn't anything wrong with her. But now it's years later, and here we are, all grown and doing well for ourselves. It's no surprise that men learn how to be better men from women.

If it weren't for them, I wouldn't know the first thing about respect. They demanded it! None of that lazy business of thinking my life came before theirs. Talk about equality, everyone did everything, and I find myself even now happy for all of the influences that our mother directly and indirectly exposed us to. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, catching public transportation around Chicago...we all had to know the same things. Beyond that, she was a cool mom, too. How many other black kids in the projects could sing the whole "Aja" album by Steely Dan in the same breath as Rapper's Delight? We were no strangers to Maria Maldour, Marian Anderson or Nina Simone, either. She'd have disco parties for us where she would take a flashlight and shine it on us while shaking it to give the feel of a strobe light. It was my mom who taught me how to do the football, which I will break out with at any given moment.

It has always been music and laughter that have kept us close. I used to collect joke books with such titles as "101 Pickle Jokes" and "1001 of the Best Jokes This Side of the Mason Dixon Line" and then have the unmitigated gall to think that they would listen to me read each joke from each book OUT LOUD. They conspired together and rid me of that phase, but by then, I'd memorized most of them and realized that if nothing else, I was corny enough to be considered funny. My resolution for 2004 was to develop my sense of humor more--better delivery, better material (I actually put that in writing, too). Did it work? Let's see, I haven't been stabbed yet and I haven't gotten the "talk to the hand" movement from those that I lure into my world of jabs and jokes. So either I'm really good or not worth it. But my sisters and I laugh all the time. We usually start conversations off with strolls down memory lane--like "do you remember when mama gave us that curl right before we went to Arkansas that summer? What the hell was she thinking?"

They all have made me laugh entirely too much, though some of the ways in which they got a joke off were a little cruel. Like years ago, my sister whose closest to me told me to put my tongue on a 9-volt battery because it tickled. My uncle watched the whole thing go down, and after the shocking sensation he asked me just as plainly, "what kind of idiot are you to do that...that's a battery...it couldn't possibly tickle your tongue." We still laugh at that to this day, as now she tricks her own children into falling for that one. I call that motherly love to the fullest.

We weren't supposed to be this close, though. See, they're women, and their jobs at birth were to take care of their father, help mother with the younger one's and hope for husbands so that they could be second and third for the rest of their lives (second to their husbands and third to their children), but not these women in my family. They didn't accept any of that madness and when any man gave them too much, they were up and done. One of my sister's can love'em and leave'em and not feel anything about it, even when they're outside her building with gifts. My other sister is known for KANTFO (Knockin' A N**** The Fuck Out) for no reason at all. My youngest sister carries a can of beets inside a sweatsock in her purse, ready, willing and able to do damage on men, women and children. Together, these three women have raised me and their own children as well, and as hard as it is just to get around to all of them, I know because of who their mother's are, they'll always be alright.

So what's with all the sap, you wonder? Well, one of my nieces had a sleepover last Friday, so all the siblings got together at my sister's, and when I say that we partied, we did the fool! Breakdancing, routines, and pictures that prove how nuts we can be when we get together. It was great. We sang every song we could think of while the children laid out in the living room braiding hair and watching scary movies were subjected to our soulful renditions of "Baby Come To Me" by James and Patti, "Oh Sherri" by Steve Perry, "De Ja Vu" by Teena Marie, and other assorted tunes that we MURDERED! The kids in the living room laughed all night at us, and when the breakdancing competition started, it was on. I tried to spin on my knee like the chick in Breakin' but my legs are too long and I kept hitting the stove and shit, so I stopped. But my sister whose shorter than I am not only did the knee spin, but did the head spin, getting one turn around before falling over into laughing fits. I couldn't believe it, but that's what can happen after a child's party in my family. That's the way it was back in the day--your parents sent all of you away from the kitchen while they laughed, smoked and talked shit, but just like then, some of the children kept coming to the back to see what was going on. The riverdancing contest between my youngest sister and I, though, was the funniest. She watches public television a lot, so she's seen that riverdancing special way too many times, but she's got a routine from it, which she debuted last Friday night. The kicks on that child...amazing...

After singing all we could, we turned the radio on and danced to music off the spanish language radio station. By that time, the kids in the front sent word to us that we were crazy and that we needed to really stop it, but we didn't bother with them, we were having a good time. Besides, they're lucky we didn't go give all them the drunken-hines speech (those little talks that only seem to come about when there's liquor involved, and its usually some god-awful hour of morning, and you can't get out of listening unless you want a black eye).

I love them all...I wonder can we all make it to the summer without wanting to cut each other...we'll see...

As of three days ago, I now have four grandnieces, ten nieces, six nephews and sons & godchildren across the midwest (and Atlanta--HEY PURPLE!). Shantell Winter Echo, welcome to the world...all of your aunts and uncles are crazy and you have your grandmother and her three siblings to thank for that...good luck, baby girl!