FOOL THAT I AM

Bah humbug!

My love has become two half gallons of Soy Delicious Ice Cream!

If I can get through today, I'll be alright...

Last night, I decided to try, once again, to locate my oldest brother. I didn't know he existed until I was about eleven or twelve. When asked of my father why he never told me, his response was, "well, um, Junior...I guess I'm in trouble, eh?" He wasn't shocked that I'd asked and he wasn't very forthcoming, either. But what he didn't do was tell me why he never let any of us know that there were other children out there sharing a few genes and the likes with me.

Being the only male child in a family of sisters, I have secretly imagined this brother, real as he is. My brother's uncle used to date my mother's sister (sounds confusing, but it's really not)...he's the reason I found out. One day, he came over to my grandmother's house and couldn't stop looking at me. Even then, if too many eyes were on me, I got a little nervous. I knew Ricky was an old friend of the family, but not much else, and at the time I saw him then, he was almost a stranger to me. After he left, I couldn't help but ask my aunt over and over why he kept looking at me all weird.

Me: Auntie, why'd your friend keep looking at me like that?
Auntie: Well, Hank, you just look really familiar to him. Plus, he hasn't seen you since you were little.

Me: I guess, but I still don't think he should've been staring at me like that. Is he homosexual?
Auntie: Oh, Lord! Hank, that's not why at all.

Me: Well, what is it then?
Auntie: Hank, you look like his nephew, that's all.

Me: Still, why stare so hard?
Auntie: Hank, you look JUST like his nephew...his nephew is your brother...

And just like that, there was another one of us--another one of my father's children I knew nothing of. See, I have other siblings in this city--an older brother whom I talk to from time to time (though I'm still waiting to go out to lunch with him) and two more sisters (one whom I don't know at all and the other I know who pretends my sisters and I don't exist--though she doesn't mean any harm), but at least I knew they existed long ago.

No one ever kept them a secret. But my oldest brother (my father's very first child) the one whom I have never met, I had to find out from my aunt's ex-boyfriend even existed. It was one of the hardest days of my life, too. I immediately called my mother and asked about this unknown sibling. "Call your father and find out. That was his first responsibility he let go a long time ago."

A few years ago, I did a random search and located a young lady with my brother's last name, and as luck would have it, she turned out to be his sister. For a short while, we talked, and according to her, she'd passed on my number to him, but he never called.

For twenty years, I have conjured up this older twin of mine: likes music, artist, comedian, good guy. This seeing, thinking and feeling human being I share features with; share a father who was just as absent in my life as he was in my brother's. Finally, I have found two numbers with his exact name--one was a wrong number, however; but the other one had a voicemail, and on it, I left as much information as I could and I hope he calls someday...

But if he doesn't...then that's it. How can you lose love you've never had, right? Right!

ToniPurple called and left me a singing message of "Hooked On Your Love"--the Sparkle Version...that was my pre-Valentine present to which I say "Tranx!"