FOOL THAT I AM

that moment where the splatter of my face hitting the fan because of how things turn out even though i try to take the high road

between those places in between love & like, why can't we see friendships as the beneficial option instead of looking for all the right reasons to take another off the market; get "him" before anyone else does

making sense of those moments after my face splatters into madness all over the place just so i can be saved in three month increments; guaranteed a gift or well-wish on holidays. those things don't matter to me/never have, but

love...

someday, i may want it more than i want it now, but right now, i just want to love myself for a change; not feel obligated to let the visits increase to the point of someone else in my space. i do not seek a space for my heart to lie alongside potential; won't! but

love...

it is what it is; will be whatever it will be

i sleep in the middle of my bed as a choice; why fill it with a pulse who occupies the space in heartbeats that fade away once curtains are drawn & bathwater ran & wine glasses filled with the hope of toasts that become farewells all too soon? but

love...

i remember it; glad i had it when i had it; look forward to it again

but:

i like being accountable to/for me/myself/i &
i enjoy knowing that only my name is on the lease &
i now know that love isn't an obligation plus
i have been in adult relationships
(or some semblance of them)
enough to know that if i am not able to be with me
myself & i & love the fact that i am me & my
completion is not contingent upon being able to
claim another as the "reason i live"...then i will never matter

i just hope this isn't what i think it is

love...

you asked to; if i would, but i can't

because what i think it is can't be
until i am sure enough within myself,
finally,
to do just that: love

H.
12-6-2005