FOOL THAT I AM

for leroy whitfield

remember when we used to have
those nostalgic moments
where we'd imitate our parents
& do their dances from back in the day?
we didn't need music as we'd be in your/my
living room doing the fool while
moving in between cool-ness & slick-hood
we'd do the "search", the "freak" & the "football"
while egging each other on with laughter

remember when
i lived in hyde park in the coach house
around the corner from your brother

& we'd get together & walk a few
blocks away to the health food store
& to hollywood video on 53rd street where
we were happy as hell cuz the soy milk was on sale
& those trips to the co-op grocery store for parmesean
to make the alfredo sauce...

at night, we'd read anne rice aloud to one another
or watch movies on your laptop until we both fell asleep

other moments found us
looking out over the city from your old apartment
on 21st and michigan avenue where we held on to one another
while watching the streetlights stretch out for miles.

funny moments, loving moments
(did i ever tell you i learned to love from you?)
that lasted even when you moved

& then you came & visited

that time my roommate caught us naked in the bed
(that was funny)
or
that time you did that sparkling rendition of ethel merman
singing prince's "kiss"
(that was funny & scary...but mostly funny)
or
the time we caught the greyhound to birmingham
& missed our bus during our layover in nashville
on the way back home
or
all those other times & spaces where you let me in

& let me love you while loving me all along/asking for nothing
giving everything

leroy,
i have stopped crying so much,
as your spiritual hand has wiped away
the path of tears down my face,
but i miss you something awful

& there's so much i want to say
& so much i should've done
& so much of you that is still here with me
that i don't know some moments...

but in all those moments both near & far,
you have been alright with me...
& i can never nor will i ever forget you
or your amazing spirit.

leroy,
i love you...still

H.
11-2-2005