FOOL THAT I AM

to say that life has not been interesting lately is an understatement. between work & finding time to just exist, my days have been seriously filled. this is what i asked for: those moments where i asked the creator to give some business. that, s/he did!

recently, i took a little fall down my sister's back stairs, & as funny as it turned out to be, i now have beautiful raspberry scars on my hand that make it look like i backslapped a stranger with a limestone face. it doesn't hurt, though.

niggeroki last night was amazing, as usual. i put enough drinks back last night to give a small village alcohol poisoning, but isn't that what you're supposed to do with your friends when having a [drunken] good time? i noticed yesterday how we are all slowly scattering in the wind, with one of my best friends moving to nyc soon & the hosts of our wednesday weekly sangin' fest moving to the burbs. that has been our uniting force for the past few months & it's going to be a little empty for awhile. maybe i can talk them into doing holiday niggeroki--where we get together for all the cme-esque (christmas, mother's day & easter) holidays. that would definitely be more than festive, as i'm sure the material that we all choose to cover will be excruciatingly insane.

i've been toying with the notion that i just might like to date again, & so far, that's been a good feeling. the brotha i've been seeing is pretty cool. like the beginnings of many romances & heart-wrenching beginnings, we talk a lot & i have found that i enjoy hearing from him often & like what i hear. we have a very long distance in between us, but as i said, i'm hopeful, as it is now my mantra: in order to get something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done. it's cool, like i said. what prompted me to step out of pseudo-jade mode is from a conversation with my best friend as we let it ride out on relationships. i realized that relationships are okay & i have control over what kind of relationship i want to be in (something that i have always known, however, putting it into practice has been something else altogether). i don't want to get married & start the whole fairy-tale-made-real experience, but i can open myself up more to what could be as opposed to falling out with myself over what was. that shit is over...so, i am officially dating again.

the good thing about this brotha is that we've no grandiose expectations over the future, but day-by-day, we find ways to communicate our dreams & wishes for our independent endeavors in a way that i haven't had before. i read my poems & short stories to him, burning up both of our cellphones into the early hours of the morning in two time zones & i am enjoying learning about him. however this turns out, i'm cool with just being able to open up a part of me to someone who wants to open up to me as well. i have come to a peaceful space within where i can enjoy moments more clearly & openly because, finally, a greater part of both my heart & mind have healed...now, it's time for the eye exam!

last month, i went to the windy city pride poetry slam & fell in love all over again with myself & a few others (i've decided to fall in love with everything about life, having relationships in my mind complete with beginnings, middles & ends). tim'm west was one of the judges & for me that was wonderful, as i have had a solid space for his work in my heart & mind for awhile now. both his book & cd are in heavy rotation in my house. & he's actually a nice guy--not that i expected anything less. tai freedom & her other thesis'...samaya in her raw acceptance of her extra pounds & her love for women like her...they bought me home, evoking a whole trough of familial moments i have been blessed enough to share with all the women among my family & friends. i hope to see & hear from them soon to receive more of their word-blessings.

it took this year's pride celebration--to which i only attended the slam--to move me to be more proactive in my present life endeavors. i accept the fact that i, too, am "strange & unusual" just as winona ryder proclaimed in beetlejuice, but i can now take it a little further in saying how proud i am that i can be both strange & unusual without feeling insane about that. folks have a way of trying your constitution at times. i have weathered 32 years solidly, & despite all the changes thus far, i feel very accomplished & hopeful about tomorrow. but i am in need of some consistent sleep in the near future.

i had a visit from my frats & sorors which proved to be a very fulfilling experience having them in chicago for four days. it's always good to see them & seeing how we're growing as an organization has been amazing. my younger cousin just completed intake which is equally fun & joyous cuz now i have someone in the family with me that when we wear our t-shirts, i won't be the only one explaining who we are, which is fine, but a little lonely since most of my frats & sorors live many states away from me.

if i watch robert townsend's "jackie's back" one more time, i am going to begin reciting the whole movie (i already have the singing parts down...a few others work out better when i'm reciting them alongside the movie)...so for nostalgia, i'm going to watch it one more time tonight.

i'm laughing more, smiling more...

H.