FOOL THAT I AM

There's nothing like sharing a good black history moment with one of your good friends, and you find out the craziest shit doesn't just happen to you. We all have them, that moment in life forever calalogued in your brain as your constant introduction to the strange and unusual comedies of just breathing. Sometimes it's the bloody nose you get from listening at the door on the side that swings outward. Other times, it's missing that last stair on your way down. No one is immune (and if they say they are, you already know they're liars).

Then there's Mr. D. This smooth, gifted man could put on a pair of wrinkled khakis one leg at a time that would be ironed flat no sooner than they'd cover his legs. So smooth, I'm told, that he was almost criminal. His hands healed and he, my good people, is legendary around some parts.

However, I speak only in hearsay, as I don't know Mr. D. and don't think I'll ever get the pleasure (lmbao), but I thought it would be okay to share a little tale about him as revealed in a few overheard conversations of these ladies I met at an imaginary bingo game after set:

Woman 1.
...Jessica had a birthday that year. We were all grown and enjoying being the women that we are. So instead of the old cake and ice cream routine, she decided to have a day for the ladies. I'm sorry I can't remember who was all there. I think I left early...yeah, that's it! I left early.

Woman 2.
...I met him a few years afterwards at a Farmer's Market. He was perusing green beans. Strange that I remember that now.

Woman 3.
...All I know is that I wanted to know what the hell was so good about this guy. I can kinda see why now, but looking back on it all, I'm a little freaked out.

Woman 4.
...I wonder if the others knew, too?

Woman 1.
...Excuse her, she's a few slices short of a loaf. Of course they knew!

Woman 4.
...Umm, could you not talk directly to me. You're breaking the flow.

Woman 1.
...Whatever!

Woman 2.
...Who said they left early? We all left at the same time, that I know for sure.

Woman 1.
...You would know, you almost left with HIM. And WE all know that for sure, too!

Woman 3.
...Ladies, ladies, let's play nice. You're both pretty...but seriously, it is funny when you think about it. In a very weird-science, crazier-than-cat-piss kinda way.

Woman 4.
...Maybe, but it wasn't that funny. I'm still a little out of sorts.

Woman 1.
...Please make her stop playing so much! Look, mama, he was supposed to be a no more than two time thing.

Woman 4.
...I know, but damn, he was pretty good.

Woman 2.
...He was a saint!

Woman 3.
...So what'd he say when you saw him at the farmers market?

Woman 2.
...He looked up, cause you all know how short he is...

Woman 1.
...Yeah...

Woman 3.
...Damn, he was short come to think of it...

Woman 4.
...I thought he was kinda tall?

Woman 2.
...Please make her stop playing with me! ANYWAY, he looks up just as I am about to walk past and he says, "how are you?" and I answer, "Fine!"

Woman 1.
...Did you feel all weird seeing him after all this time?"

Woman 2.
...Not really, it was just like seeing somebody you knew from a long time ago out of the blue.

Woman 4.
...But you remembered it all, didn't you?

Woman 2.
...You know I did!

Woman 3.
...You better had. I haven't forgot him at all. But you all know that freak called me on my birthday this past year.

Woman 1.
...For real? He called me, too.

Woman 4.
...Lord, did he call of us this past year?

Woman 2.
...Would you be surprised if he did? That man had us. Did we pay him?

Woman 1.
...I can't remember, but I probably would pay him now, but I don't want all those other acts. I just wish I could've opened my eyes. What the hell was that about?

Woman 3.
...You let him do that with your eyes closed? Lord no! I seen't it! I seen't it!

Woman 1.
...What the hell was it?

Woman 4.
...I don't want to know. Please don't tell me.

Woman 3.
...What you mean don't tell you? You told me, remember?

Woman 4.
...I did? Oh, yeah. I did tell you.

Woman 1.
...Well would somebody tell me something, cuz I was there and still don't know what that was.

Woman 2.
...Well, we didn't talk too much afterwards, he just had this look on his face like he knew something about me.

Woman 4.
...He did! He knows your secret, DUDE!

Woman 2.
...This from the understudy to DUDE from the Crying Game...anyway, he just had this look, that's all.

Woman 1.
...You know what, y'all, he does know something about me, though.

Woman 2.
...He knows, for real.

Woman 3.
...What does he know that you haven't told all of us? Are you holding out on your girls?

Woman 1.
...I don't want to say.

Woman 4.
...Great! A complete stranger knows, but we don't. How many birthdays has this guy wished you since then?

Woman 1.
...Honestly?

Woman 2.
...Yeah, honestly, and if you lie, I swear to God, you are excommunicated from our weekend drives to the wine shop. Now spill it!

Woman 3.
...Damn, don't be so harsh on her.

Woman 1.
...I know, right. He knows that I...I...I...

Woman 4.
...Would you sneeze and get it over with. You what? You were raised by gypsies? Worse, Quakers?

Woman 1.
...He knows that I came a few times after the...you know...the thing.

Woman 2.
...A few times? I thought you was about to tell me a whole lot of something else. We all probably came a few times after and during the thing.

Woman 4.
...But that still doesn't answer how many birthdays he's called you.

Woman 1.
...Well, since the last session of chicken wings and massage oil was five years ago, he called me three times on my birthday after that, and I think he called me last year, but tried to disguise his voice. The call was PRIVATE on my phone, so I couldn't look in my phone book to see.

Woman 4.
...He's called me about the same amount of times, too. As a matter-of-fact, last year, when I so graciously answered my cellphone as I walked into the "SURPRISE", that was him.

Woman 2.
...That was Mr. D.?

Woman 4.
...Yes! It was him, and that's why I was laughing my ass off after I hung up. I'm not rude, you know.

Woman 3.
...I thought you were laughing at how you were going to manage to blow out all those candles on that cake. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Woman 4.
...You just mad cuz Mr. D. didn't call you that one year. Haters, I tell you...

Woman 2.
...Call it what you like, ladies. We all have a history with Mr. D. whether we like it or not.

Woman 4.
...Yeah.

Woman 1.
...Clearly!

Woman 3.
...Unfortunately...

Woman 2.
...You sound a little bitter, there. Did you secretly marry Mr. D. without telling us, and now it's eating you alive because he was secretly in love with all of us?

Woman 1.
...Now that's a funny, scary thought.

Woman 4.
...Yeah, that is. And considering that my birthday is in a week, I'm scared I'm going to get a call from him.

Woman 3.
...Tell him I said hey if he does.

Woman 2.
...Make her stop, someone, please...